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Stop Teaching Kids About Germs (Satire)

The other day, I visited my son’s school and noticed a poster reminding kids to cover their mouth when they sneezed and wash their hands after using the restroom. I looked for the applicable Bible verses offering an opposing viewpoint on germs, but instead I saw other hygiene propaganda without once making a reference to the Hand of God.

It’s for this reason that I am beginning a campaign to ban the teaching of germs to children in our public schools. The notion that invisible “germs” exist (I can see a crucifix, but I can’t see a germ — which one am I supposed to believe?)  and that we must go through various Secular Rites to purge our hands from these mythical creatures is both a scientific fallacy and an assault on our American Values.

Reason #1: It’s Bad Science
At one time scientists didn’t believe in germs.  Then they decided that germs were bad.  Then they came out with reports that some germs were good while others were bad.  Parents were told to have kids wash their hands and then they learned that too much hand-washing led to a weak immune system. I grew up learning to cough into my hands.  Now my children are learning to cough into their elbow. What’s next, arm pits?

See, that’s the problem.  Science is always changing.  Like a wishy-washy politician or an unfaithful spouse, science says, “yeah, let’s test this again and see if it works.”  It wasn’t always this way.  Newton’s laws were once just that: laws.  Now we have theories and applications of theories.  I need laws and to me there’s not better law to look at than The Law (let’s keep that noun proper, people).

Intelligent Phenomena tells us a better story – one that has lasted for millennia without changing. Here sickness is not caused by bacteria or viruses (which is it, “scientists?” Make up your minds) but rather the Hand of God. If you read even a small smattering of Old Testament books, you’ll see a God who is not afraid to suck-punch a nation that engages in religious pluralism or permits homosexuality.

I know, I know. In the New Testament, Jesus points to tragedy and suggests that it’s simply the random product of a broken system. But it’s high time you read your Bible literally and understand that he was referring only to that one tragedy. The Biblical standard is that sickness is caused by tolerant societies.

Reason #2: It’s Unpatriotic
We are a Christian nation, founded upon the bedrock of the Bible.  The original patriots were not angry New Englanders throwing tea into the ocean, but rather angry New Englanders purging our fledgling nation of witches and praising God for the plagues he was using to destroy the indigenous populations. We’ve already outlawed prayer and look what happened? (Answer in unison: school shootings) But with every bottle of hand sanitizer we purchase, we are sending a message to God that we don’t love him and we don’t love our nation.

It’s high time we tell kids, “Don’t wash after you wipe. Pray instead that God will keep your hands sanitary and your heart pure.” It’s time we quit excusing sick kids and instead expelling them for their lack of faithfulness. Is your school experiencing an outbreak of influenza? Chances are the library is lending out Harry Potter and kids are playing with Magic cards.  Indeed, I visited an eighth grade math class last week that espoused the cultish formulas of the Pythagoreans.  Might as well tatto the students with a pentagram and warm themselves by the fire of burning Bibles.

So, who’s with me in this cause?  Who wants to carry the banner to ban the teaching of germs?


About John Spencer

I teach. I write. I live. I want to do all three authentically.


4 thoughts on “Stop Teaching Kids About Germs (Satire)

  1. For the record, I am a Christian (which makes me a minority on this blog) and I’ve never seen the unnecessary dichotomy between spiritual and scientific ideas.

    For example, I accept evolution as a scientific reality. I believe in intelligent design as a poetic, existential concept. One is the song, the other the dance. One is about “why” and the other about “how.” I don’t see them as being polar opposites in competition. I really don’t want to get into a debate with someone who makes an assumption that I simply lack the intellectual rigor to believe otherwise or with someone who thinks I have to be a literalist to love God.

    It’s just some over-the-top satire. Hope it made someone smile.

    Posted by John T. Spencer | November 5, 2011, 11:38 pm
    • John,

      I’m glad I was earlier unaware of the label you ascribe to yourself as I might have overlooked your struggles. I admit it — I am subject to the lure of taxonomy, which often screws things up.

      As a Contraire raised in a household fully imbued in ‘Christianity’ (including overseas missionary work), I’ll join your cause, wave the flag and shout out that by all means we must “Ban the teaching of germs!”

      Don’t teach Germs anything useful. They are, and have been evil, dangerous invading spirits. They are most decidedly not like us, and so let’s eliminate their education through the NCLB and RTTT. With surgical or chemical trephining, or perhaps even deportation, we may be able to get the Evil spirits OUT — let them build their own colonies

      Let us be certain to refrain from speculating whether we carry within us Germs of our very own…


      Posted by Brent Snavely | November 6, 2011, 9:49 am
  2. Let ’em eat dirt! I always told my kids not to wash their hands too much! What do you think has made human beings so strong kids?

    Posted by Kirsten Olson | November 7, 2011, 10:16 am
    • Our kids have learned to wash after using the restroom, but not before meals, snacks or playing outside. I think people have certainly gone overboard with hand sanitizer and bottled water and whatnot.

      Posted by John T. Spencer | November 7, 2011, 11:02 am

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